Moms Going Overboard

Confessions of a Slacker Mom
Muffy Mead-Ferro

I checked this book out from the library because I thought it would be funny, and it didn't disappoint. I was surprised, however, that it managed to cover some serious topics about how parents can do too much, worry too much, protect too much and (pertinent to the season), provide too much. One of the points I've thought about a lot recently (I read this quite a while ago now) is that it's hard not to buy things for your kids when you know you can afford it. I've had to be very careful with Caleb's birthday and Christmas this year to limit myself. It's very easy to get sucked in, thinking how he'd like something. I did cave and bought 4 books (or so) for him, but we stuck to just Lincoln Logs for his real gift. (Don't spoil the surprise! For those who are wondering, we decided not to buy any big present for Reva for Christmas. She's getting some books, though. I even wrapped them, though I realized it was pretty silly even as I was taping them up.)

Anyway, it's a very quick read. I think Josh finished it in an hour. The author's family history and stories she shares are as amusing as her style. So read and enjoy, and maybe walk away from an unnecessary purchase.

Boys Will Be Boys

Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences
by Dr. Leonard Sax

Everyone should read this book. I was fascinated by the research Dr. Sax presents about the differences between boys and girls, and how their senses and brains develop differently. As always, I don't agree with everything in the book, but it's nice to have evidence of something I've always suspected - that boys and girls are different and need to be treated differently in some situations. Dr. Sax also provides exceptional endnotes with additional information and websites in addition to references to studies in journals like Journal of Genetic Psychology, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Developmental Psychology, Child Development, and Nature. He also quotes from Hardwired to Connect, a book sponsored by Dartmouth Medical School (among others).

And, as have a number of other books I've read recently, this one tempts me with more reasons to home school, at least for a while.

My sleep deprivation (despite being better than expected at Reva's age) prevents me from giving a more glowing review. Hopefully you'll believe me enough to give it a try and then will be tempted to continue by Dr. Sax's own evidence.

p.s. Tip #1: Girls hear better than boys, so a dad might not think he's yelling, but his daughter might hear him that way. And boys who seem to be distracted at school may need to sit closer to hear a soft-spoken teacher.

Silly Fairy Tales

The Fourth Bear: A Nursery Crime
by Jasper Fforde

Fforde is back! A psychotic killer is on the loose. Jack Spratt is forced on medical leave for supposed insanity. Goldilocks is missing. Bears are popping up as suspects, and victims. In this second nursery crime novel, Fforde keeps the action rolling, along with the puns. There's even a special appearance by a more sophisticated character, Dorian Gray.

I'd write more, but I don't want to give anything away. Plus, I'm tired. It's enough to say this is a vast improvement on The Big Over Easy. You should read it. And then be sure to catch up on the Thursday Next novels if you haven't already, because a new one is in the works, due to be released in 2007.

If you haven't already checked it out (or did, but then forgot how fun it was), spend some valuable time at Jasper Fforde's website.

Childbirth On My Mind

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
by Ina May Gaskin

Shockingly, I've been thinking about childbirth a lot recently. I read this book on a recommendation from my friend, Meggan (who just had a little girl!). It's always interesting to read birth stories near the end of a pregnancy and they make up the first part of the book. I also liked reading about the midwifery practice with such great statistics. The medical establishment gets blasted pretty heavily, but I was grateful to learn that the worst of the procedures she talks about aren't common (at least at my hospital), thanks to my "insider".

Parts of it definitely met Josh's hippie standards (even the higher ones he has now that he's decided we're going to have a little 5 acre family farm someday with organic foods and things like shoats). Give it a chance and take what you can from it.

Wow - I Read a Book

It's been a long time since I posted about a book. I've actually read a few (including skimming an entire list of over 50,000 baby names), but this is the only one really worth talking about.

Gulag: A History
by Anne Applebaum

Ok, so it's not really happy reading, but it's a great book. It's well-researched, well-written, and well-documented. I grew up during the Cold War and remember the breakup of the Soviet Union, but am ashamed at how little I really know. This book was a great introduction to some Soviet history, even if the main topic was a bit disconcerting.

On a lighter note, it was nice to have this to read when I was delayed at the airport last July. It helped put some perspective on my situation.

I'd write more, but I'm tired. You should read this book.

Moral Family Decision-Making

My Sister's Keeper
by Jodi Picoult

I've been wanting to read this book for a long time and finally picked it up last week with some birthday money. I was thrilled to find myself really enjoying it. Mostly I'd been interested in the idea of the plot - a 13 year old girl, chosen as an embryo to match her sister's DNA enough to be a cord blood donor for her brings a lawsuit against her parents to avoid donating a kidney after 13 years of giving of herself (literally) to save her sister's life.

First of all, I think the Ms. Picoult brings to the fore a lot of issues around designer babies in this kind of situation and others. To her credit, I can't tell from the book her opinion of the matter. Personally, I think deep down there's something in every human psyche tied to the way we are brought to life that is twisted when unnatural methods are used, in this case to choose a baby that could serve a specific purpose for someone else in the family. No amount of love can perfectly repair the damage. Anna shows us that.

Ms. Picoult's characters battle daily with hard moral questions most of us (thankfully) will never face. She does a wonderful job of bringing those battles to life within the story itself. These are not parents who do not love the third child they never intended to have. They do not even love her less than her older sister, Kate. In situation after situation, though, we see how Anna suffers for Kate. (Kate is suffering more, at least physically, but her suffering is caused by a disease, not by actions that can be traced to her parents.) I love, though, how memories of the past are sprinkled in to show the reader the good times with Anna and her family.

Most importantly of all, the writing and characters of this book are excellent. I often find myself disappointed in contemporary fiction. It just doesn't seem to stand up to past literary works. This may not be a the Brothers Karamazov, but I found myself entranced.

For those who are wondering, this was perhaps not the best choice for me in my present condition. I cried many times, especially when reading the flashbacks to when Kate was first diagnosed at age 2 - the same age my son is now. I too easily place myself in the shoes of characters (one reason I had to stop watching shows like CSI). I still highly recommend it, though.

Avonlea Revisited

Anne of Green Gables
by L.M. Montgomery

I grabbed this off the bookshelf one day while Caleb was perusing Democracy in America and therefore not interested in me. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop and now I'm on the fourth book (out of 6 about Anne, 2 more about her children). It's refreshing to read a book with such a spritely air and flow. I can't believe it's been so long since I read them all. If you're heard of these books, you've probably read them and will know if you want to read them again, so I won't go into details. I just wanted to share how much fun I was having reading them all over again.

I also have to mention my absolute favorite L.M. Montgomery book which I have read about once a year (not counting all the times I just flip directly to the last few chapters). It's The Blue Castle, lesser known, but superior to all the Anne and Emily books. I recommend all women rush out and grab it now off library or store shelves! I'm still trying to convince Josh we should name our daughter (if we ever have one) Valancy after the heroine.

Just a bit of trivia for you, Josh and I were supposed to go to Prince Edward Island for our honeymoon, but an airline pilot strike thwarted us. (We ended up in northern California, booked the day before the wedding, and had a wonderful time.)

Timepieces of the Past

Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time
by Dava Sobel

Ms. Sobel is a science writer with a special place in her heart for John Harrison, whose exquisite clocks are at the heart of this book. She describes their movements and innovations in flowing prose. More importantly, John Harrison was a genius who was unfairly treated during his lifetime. It's a quick little read and well worth the time, especially if you have any interest in history, engineering, timepieces or sailing.

Special thanks to Dan who suggested I'd enjoy this book and even leant me his copy.

A Catholic Tragedy

Brideshead Revisited
by Evelyn Waugh

I read this book over a year ago, started this post and then promptly got sucked into other life events. I didn't want to just delete the post, though, because it's a great book. Following the lives of a Catholic family through the eyes of a dear friend and lover (who is certainly not Catholic), we see how they live through their faith or in hopeless denial of it. I think it would be a particularly great book for a book club, especially one interested in matters of faith, but the compelling story is enough for any discussions.

I don't want to give (much) away, but I'll add my favorite quote from the book:

"'Living in sin'; not just doing wrong, as I did when I went to America; doing wrong, knowing it is wrong, stopping doing it, forgetting. That's not what they mean...Living in sin, with sin, by sin, for sin, every hour, every day, year in, year out. Waking up with sin in the morning, seeing the curtains drawn on sin, bathing it, dressing it, clipping diamonds to it, feeding it, showing it round, giving it a good time, putting it to sleep at night with a tablet of Dial if it's fretful."

She's speaking of actually living with a man who is not her husband, but I love this quote because it doesn't have to be about adultery. It's an amazing description of life for anyone who's committing what he or she knows is a sin and yet continues to do so - and hints at the self-inflicted suffering and weight that becomes overwhelming.

You can check out a biography of Evelyn Waugh at his alma mater. Here's a link to an article by the man who first interested me in the book, George Weigel for First Things (another plug for the magazine).

After reading the book, Josh and I rented the series from Netflix. It follows the book very closely and I recommend it as well.

Don't Be Pushy

The Trouble with Perfect
by Elisabeth Guthrie and Kathy Matthews

I agree with nearly everything in this book, and it was an easy read (a plus with a toddler in the house), but I'm still not sure if I want to recommend it. Why? Because it just makes sense, so you shouldn't need to read a book like this. I guess most of our friends don't fall into the crazy $30,000 a year preschool or life is over group, though we certainly ran into people like that in New York.

Let me sum up the book for you:

1. Don't be pushy - in sports, academics or other activities. Let kids do what's enjoyable and let them quit if it's not fun anymore. (Except the piano. I'm bound and determined Caleb will learn to play. He doesn't have to do any recitals and never has to tell anyone, but I think it'll be good for him, and all the other kids we have. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I always wanted to take piano lessons and never had the chance...)

2. Instead of signing your kids up for swimming (or soccer or baseball or softball), consider playing pick-up games with them instead. Good exercise for everyone and the kids will probably enjoy it more than organized sports anyway. Kids love to spend time with their parents. And parents shouldn't be afraid they don't know enough to share. (No offense to those teaching organized sports. I'm sure that's great, too. And we signed Caleb up for swimming lessons, but at his age we had to go. And we learned lots of things that we can do with him in the water without the class. He loves it.)

3. Realize that Mommy and Me classes are for Mommy, not the baby. There's nothing wrong with these classes, but they are not required (or necessarily even helpful) for baby's development. There may, however, be real benefits to giving Mommy (or Daddy) a reason to get out of the house and socialize with other parents.

4. Be realistic about giving your kids medication. Some kids need it, but a lot of kids are just more active or more creative than their classmates. Should they really be medicated for being themselves?

5. Ivy League college does not equal life-long happiness. Find a balance between encouraging academic and collegiate goals and helping kids understand there are some tremendous colleges out there that aren't in the top 20 of the Newsweek rankings. Josh and I both loved Dartmouth, but we recognize that it's not the place for everyone and that many other colleges can offer a great education. This one is a little easier for us than you might imagine since Josh will probably be a professor. That means, our kids are going to school where they receive free (or reduced) tuition or they're paying for it themselves. Sorry, kids, that's life. (Usually, they have many choices. We won't force them to go to the college where Josh teaches.)

6. Don't lie, cheat or steal to help your kids get ahead. They'll know it. It sets a bad example and undermines their confidence (in themselves and in your love for them). Plus, it's wrong.

I'm sure there are a lot of other little lessons that might be helpful, but these are some main points. If there's anything above you didn't already know, go ahead and read the book. Otherwise, go play with your kids.

An Article from First Things

First Things is one of Josh's favorite magazines, and one I usually enjoy as well. In the March 2006 issue was an article of particular interest to me, for reasons I think you'll understand.

In Moral Labor, by Agnes R. Howard (of Gordon College in Wenham, MA)

No, it's not about labor or unions, and it's not really about morality. Read the article in honor of Mother's Day (just a couple of weeks away). I also encourage you to subscribe to the magazine.

Fighting Diseases, Again

The Forgotten Plague
by Frank Ryan, M.D.

This book took me ages to get through. I can't really explain why since it is a well-written look at the lives and research of the scientists and doctors that pioneered the advances against tuberculosis. The best reason I can give is that the binding is a little tight and it hurt my hands to hold it open (already suffering from tendonitis from all the typing and clicking I do for work).

If you are interested in the fight against germs and want to go a little farther back in time, I do highly recommend Microbe Hunters by Paul de Kruif.

Make Money Work for You

Rich Dad, Poor Dad
by Robert T. Kiyosaki with Sharon L. Lechter C.P.A.

I've had this book on my shelf for at least four years since someone at NAF gave it to me, but I just read it yesterday. It only took a few hours and I'd say it was worth the time. I think I can sum it up for you, though:

1. Rich people don't depend on paychecks to get (or stay) rich. Before you even get your paycheck 1/3 to 1/2 is gone (taxes). The more you work and earn, the more you pay in taxes. Jobs mean you're working for someone else first, then the government second.

2. Pay yourself first. Don't buy a lot of doodads (like golf clubs, big screen TVs, cars, boats, etc) and then try to save what's left. The easiest way to do this is to invest in a 401K or some similar plan through your employer. According to the authors, if you start early enough, you might be able to save enough for a comfortable retirement, but you're not going to get rich.

3. Instead, the rich pay themselves first and use that money to purchase assets that will generate income (real estate, stocks, bonds, businesses, whatever). A house is not an asset. A house is a liability. You spend money on a house every month. (I liked this - it made me feel a lot better about not owning a house yet.)

4. Eventually, if you keep investing well, your investments will shelter you from government taxes. (Create a corporation you can spend the money on legal expenses and only pay taxes on what's left, not like income from a paycheck which is taxed first and then you can spend what's left.)

5. Also, you will be able to "retire" and live off the income generated by your assets - a paycheck without a job. Then you're rich.

Mr. Kiyosaki admits in the book that he's not a writer. His co-author is an accountant, also not a writer. The lack of a real author or a good editor was apparent in the book. Parts of it are repetitive, which I found annoying. But it's short and simple to read. I don't think Josh and I are going to run out and take a real estate seminar (which is how Mr. Kiyosaki started his fortune; apparently you really can buy a chocolate factory with no money down), but I'd like to make some changes in our saving and investment strategies.

Mostly the authors want to emphasize the importance of financial literacy. They aren't any real get rich quick schemes. You have to learn how to invest, and then invest. Good luck.

The Way We Never Were

Huck's Raft: A History of American Childhood
by Steven Mintz

This is a long but interesting book that covers the experiences of children in America from Puritans and Colonial periods through the present. I was very impressed with it right up until we reached more modern times. I first checked the notes when I read broad generalizations about how divorce doesn't really hurt children as much as people feared and found (instead of supporting evidence) references to studies that did find dramatic effects into adulthood. It made me wonder then about some of Mr. Mintz's scholarship for the earlier chapters, though not enough to go back and check all the previous notes.

I gleaned a few overall points from the book. First and foremost, the way people remember childhood and the way we view childhood in past generations always leaves out the roughest lives. So Americans remember a childhood that never really existed. Childhood today is usually much better than for the majority of children in any given time in the past. (One difference for the worse seems to be an increasing proportion of children living below the poverty line, though the effects of poverty can be mitigated with some programs available today.)

Secondly is his belief that adults today view childhood and youth with ambivalence and therefore create greater stress and confusion for young people. The young are protected from "real life" in a world created for them (schools segregated by age, organized activities organized by age, lack of employment because of child labor laws, the need for advanced degrees before entering the work force) and yet are exposed more than ever to the harsh realities of life through TV, increased stress in schools with mandatory testing and the race to get into the "best" schools (from preschool to college), youth culture and consumerism. "The result is a deepening contradiction between the child as a dependent juvenile and the child as incipient adult."

Personally, as a woman of child-bearing age, I'm glad to live when I do. He calculates a Puritan woman's "lifetime chance of dying from childbirth ran as high as one in eight." Yikes. Also, throughout history, the mortality rate for children was enormous. Our children are much more likely to live to adulthood.

I do agree that children are separated too much from adults and other mentors. Extended families are spread throughout the country so aunts, uncles and grandparents are not as involved. Even interaction with adults in the community is curtailed, partly by the fact of school taking up so much time and also from parental fears (not entirely unjustified) of letting children roam around town with other adults.

I also think young people are not allowed to take on responsibilities as they grow older. I'm not suggesting I'd like to return to a time of child labor or that we'll need Caleb to contribute to the family welfare by working on the farm, but a 16 year old boy should be developing a sense of maturity and responsibility in some way besides getting good grades and not crashing the car. I know I didn't have much responsibility at that age - not even cooking dinner once a week. I survived, of course, but I think there could be great benefit in asking young people to contribute to family and society with activities appropriate for the age.

Luckily, we have some time to figure that out for our own kids.

One of My Favorite Authors

A Thread of Grace
by Mary Doria Russell

I've been planning to read this book since it was first published because Mary Doria Russell is one of my favorite authors, even though she'd only written two books. This one is very different from the first two, though just as well-written. Set in Italy during the Nazi occupation (after surrender to the Allies), the novel explores the lives of fictional characters during the turbulent times. In a life-like way, we have no way of knowing if the characters make the "right" decisions for themselves, their families, or the people they are trying to save. I have to admit, I found the book distressing, but that's because it was so real to me. Those were dark days, even for the ones who strove always to keep light alive.

Now, her previous two books are amazing and I highly recommend them: The Sparrow and Children of God. I won't say much about the second book because it's all such a surprise, but I will say that the story is truly incomplete without it. Do not neglect it after reading The Sparrow. In the first of these books, Ms. Russell describes a realistic account of a Jesuit expedition to a new planet, populated with intelligent alien life. Right from the beginning, the reader knows all did not go well, but perhaps some good does come of it...That's the question, of course. (And those of you paying attention earlier might guess that the answer we learn in the first book is only partially true.)

I'm a science fiction fan, and these two books bring science and God together in a lovely and challenging dance. So many science fiction books about intelligent alien life discount God, but what if God has guided intelligent life on more than just Earth? What might our meeting be like? Read these books even if you don't usually indulge yourself with science fiction.

Special thanks to Bill who first introduced me to The Sparrow, just in time for me to read Children of God during those first few weeks of Caleb's life when it was my turn for the midnight to 4 am stint on the couch.

A New Revolution

A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue
by Wendy Shalit

It's easier to propose this book as a married woman and as a devout Catholic than if I'd suggested it 10 years ago (unlikely as that would be since it was published in 1999), but I hope you don't discount it for that reason. This book is an insightful look at society today and how its standards for sex education and sex itself damage the very souls of women and girls. Essentially, she says that men and women are different, biologically and psychologically, in the way we view sex and its meanings. Modesty, particularly in women, is the natural, innate female response to that difference, and our culture has been battling it (partly unsuccessfully) since the 1960s.

You can read some excellent reviews of the book by clicking on the link above or by going to Eighth Day Books (where Josh first learned of it).

Instead, I'll quote a few sentencess from the book I found memorable.

Women had a special vlunerability in the past, we are told, only because there was a risk of pregnancy. Now that we have the Pill, all vulnerability is abolished. But we seem to be learning that there is more to sexual vlunterability that the risk of pregnancy. (page 91)

Modesty is a reflex, arising naturally to help a woman protect her hopes and guide their fulfillment--specifically, this hope for one man. (page 94)

At least when there is a risk of pregnancy, there is a physical corollary to the emotional risk--so you are careful. And because the women had to be careful, the men were careful too. Our bodies naturally protected our hearts....I'm talking about the young woman who hopes for marriage and is essentially waiting for "the right guy"; I think for her the Pill is seductive and, I would go as far as to say, dangerous, holding out the promise of sex without consequences, and without any "irregularities." (pages 207-208)

Now, I'm not sure I agree with all of her assertions. It seems to me that there are other causes to the struggles of young women (anorexia, cutting, rape, stalking, etc.) than just a lack of modesty. I do think, however, she makes a strong case for a better world for our daughters, and ourselves, with a return to modesty. There's also a good chance Josh and I will decide to pull our kids out of sex education when the time comes (even if they are in Catholic schools).

And don't forget to read the appendix. Trust me; some real gems only appear there.

More Interested in the Journey

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
by John & Stasi Eldredge

I received this book for Christmas (thank you, Josh, Grammy and Paw Paw) and was excited about it because I read The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge years ago and loved it. It was a pretty quick read for me because I didn't linger too much over the places where I was supposed to think about my past and so on. All in all, I think it's a fine book. I guess I feel like I must have different problems than the ones it's meant to address. I had an uncomplicated childhood, a great relationship with both of my parents, fulfilling friendships, and a marriage with a man who only improves my relationship with God. I wouldn't go so far as to say you shouldn't read it, and it might even be exceptionally valuable if you are a woman who has suffered abuse or neglect from parents, other family members, friends or lovers. It did bring up some experiences that made me think seriously about how I'd like us to raise our daughter (if we ever have one), and was a worthwhile book for those ideas alone.

Now, The Journey of Desire is a whole other ball game. I still apply lessons I learned in that book to my life and will probably read it again (as much as I read anything again). I highly recommend it to anyone who's seeking a godly life or struggling to find God in daily life. (Special thanks to David and Becca who gave us this book one year for Christmas.)